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Ideas, insights and inspiration for busy people on the go Wednesday, May 11, 2005 |
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Editor’s Scribbles
May 15 is International Family Day and personally, I think it’s a day worth celebrating, even if it’s only to give a thought to how you could take more time out of your busy day to spend with, and to appreciate how lucky you are for each and every member of your family.
Here’s wishing you a great week with your family. Ciao for now
Kit Editor/Publisher Website: http://MinuteChaser.Go-GetGlobal.com Email: chaser@go-getglobal.com
Featured Smart Create Your Dream Family by Lisa Martelli There has been much attention in the media of late on the transformation of families, Dr Phil’s Phenomenal Family Series and Super Nanny to name a few. I recently had the pleasure of being featured on a radio program, Coaching Corners in New York in which I spoke about creating your dream family by becoming the parent you want to be. Many parents have this hope but do not know where to begin and how to get there. Others know what to do but get side tracked; finding their present state of their family is far from what they want it to be. I hope this article will help those who are new parents create your dream family and those seeking to transform your family. I want to make parenting easier, more meaningful and encourage parents in their efforts withthe following four principles. First, create your vision of your dream family. Look beyond the immediate behavior or situation seeking to be changed. Rather than focus on quick solutions, consider the big picture. The big picture reflects the long term or the more important values you are trying to make an impact upon. Corporations and businesses find they are more successful with a vision and mission statement to guide the daily efforts of their leaders and teams. You are leading your family toward a vision. Here are questions to consider in creating your vision. What are your values and greatest desires for your family? Who are your parent role models and mentors? What families do you aspire to be like? What is your definition of success and happiness for your family? What experiences from childhood do you want to bring or not to your parenting? When considering your vision, you want to capture the essence of what you value and want to create. Some examples of possible family visions include: 1. To teach and influence my children to be generous in spirit, have a contribution to make and become responsible citizens. 2. I want my home to be a safe haven, a place of laughter and fun in which my children want to be home and the neighborhood children feel welcome. 3. I want to create a family which values learning and curiosity and celebration of one’s uniqueness. The above 3 combined can be one family’s vision statement. It is important to note, one’s vision and values are not to be judged. There are different versions of success and happiness. Second, change yourself and you will have influence over the destiny of your family. You can influence the outcome of your child’s self-esteem, behaviors, and values through your relationship, approach and modeling. Pay attention to how your communication, discipline methods, use of family time, habits and routines, and activities supports your vision. Many parents seek help with discipline issues. One of the most common errors a parent makes is in focusing on the wished for outcome. It is easy to get attached to the outcome of your efforts. The more attached to needing your child to change, the more likely to become frustrated and unwilling to stay focused on you. So instead, as you approach your child’s behavior and discipline I suggest you 1)be very clear and focused on what you want to create (rather than stop), 2)let go of needing your children to be different, 3)recognize and change your own behavior which interferes, and 4)have faith and patience with the process. Third, one size does not fit all. Over the course of my 18 year career working with families, many parents have sought my services to deal with problem behavior hoping to find the ‘right’ strategy to ‘cure’ the behavior of their child. There are some strategies suited for some parents and some to others. Parents sift through many books seeking to find the answer. Some books conflict with others, some walk you through each step with what to expect and how to respond. It can seem overwhelming and confusing. Instead of searching for the ‘right’ way to raise your children, you can: Experiment with approaches which seem in line with your philosophy Explore new possibilities, be creative Grow along with your children, learning from mistakes, being willing to struggle Use your unique strengths and skills Pay attention to your intuition When you keep the big picture in mind, the choice of parenting strategy will become apparent to you. In other words, have a vision and your approach will follow hence making parenting easier and more meaningful. Fourth, change necessary areas of your life to support your family vision. You can make your family a priority without losing yourself or your marriage in the process. Staying on track with your parenting efforts can be supported by other areas of your life. Example areas to keep in check: Health and well being. If you are exhausted, you will get in the way of your dream becoming reality. Adequate sleep and leisure time for self are essential. In order to take care of yourself, admit you cannot do it all, acknowledge your struggles, and accept your own limitations. Even, ask for help! Marital and co-parenting relationship. It is very important you share a similar vision and approach to parenting. Notice what you each contribute that may be different but equally valued. Give time to yourselves as a couple. Ah, the famous last words, “Remember, when we used to…” Financial/Professional. Yes, you can seek financial/professional and family success together. It may be necessary to reevaluate the intent of your financial and work related goals if it is interfering with your family vision. ----- About the author: Create Your Dream Family TELECLASS Begins May 11th. Two classes offered, 11:00am and 12:00pm Go to www.baystatecoaching.com for details on class and registration. Email lisa@baystatecoaching.com Lisa Martelli of Baystate Coaching is a Personal and Career Coach with 18 years experience as a psychotherapist. She provides ongoing one-on-one coaching via telephone and also offers teleclasses, and workshops on location.
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Just 2 Smart Family as an Entity by Skye Thomas As a mother, I feel that it's my duty to look out for the needs of each individual in the family. I believe that no one person, child nor adult, is more important than any other. Every single member of the family is unique and special and their needs are unique and special. Even if all kids live under the same house rules, they're taught and enforced differently depending on each one's learning curve and personality type. Also the adults in the house are to be equal regardless of who raises the kids and who brings home the money. Everyone's emotional health, spiritual health, and physical health are equally important. But there's a hidden family member that sometimes gets forgotten when we're juggling the needs of everyone. What about the family as a unit? How does it weigh into the equation? First let's look at the dynamics of the individuals in the family. The adults can't make themselves the center of the universe. Parents who are so caught up in their own careers, relationships, or just in their own heads all of the time, often have lonely depressed children who doubt their parents' love and devotion. Studies have already shown a very high percentage of teens experimenting with drugs and alcohol are from homes where the parents are too self absorbed to notice or to pay attention to what's happening with their own kids. On the other hand, it's very easy as parents to sacrifice ourselves for the greater good of the family. I suspect that this very dynamic plays into the resentments and underlying tensions found in most households. The adults often give up their dream jobs, drop out of college, or stops having a social life outside of the family because at some point along the way it seemed like the answer to some problem. For whatever reason, there's no time, energy, or money left for the adults when all is said and done. They seldom get to pick up those pieces of themselves that they sacrificed along the way. The parents shouldn't become martyrs to their kids or the family. It's up to the parents to find a healthy balance between the two extremes. I've heard a lot of people say that the children should always come first at any cost. I don't agree. Children who are raised to be the center of the universe grow up to be adults who believe that they have a rightful place as the center of everyone else's universe too. It's unfair to teach the kids that they are more important then everyone else. They become self-esteem monsters and bullies. The real world will teach them a very difficult lesson. People won't like them no matter how special Mommy and Daddy think they are. It's better to teach children that everyone is equal in regards to needs, hopes and dreams, responsibilities, and other dynamics of getting along in the world. Mommy's need for peace and quiet once in awhile is every bit as important as little Billy's need to jump and run and play. The key again is for the parents to find a balance between the opposing needs. The hidden entity is the family as a unit. I've watched families that found a balance between everyone's needs and there really wasn't a family left when all was said and done. The parents are busy scheduling their own lives while the teenagers are living independent lives dropping by the house to eat and sleep, but otherwise completely disconnected from the family and the little ones are so busy with soccer leagues and music lessons and play dates with their friends that they have no real sense of what family is about. Everyone is happy, busy, flourishing individuals, but the family as a unit has almost completely disappeared. I've also seen families that went the opposite direction and nobody got their personal needs met because everyone had to constantly sacrifice for the greater good of the family. Your career is decided at birth as well as whom you will marry because you must uphold the family name or the family traditions. Those people come to hate what family represents and want to bust out of the prison of it all. Once again, the answer lies in the parents needing to find a balance between the family and the individuals. As a mother, it's my job to juggle the needs and dreams of every single member of our household. I always try to remember that secret entity "family" and what is it that the family needs and dreams of. I teach my kids to not only look at how their needs impact each other, but also how it affects the family's needs. For example, if I let my teenagers spend the extra money after the bills are paid each month, then how will the family get to go to Disneyland this summer? They are an active part in helping to determine the family's needs and goals as well as their own. I am very much a part of who gets included. "Wait a minute guys, did you forget that I need a new monitor for my computer before you get another game for your Xbox?" In so doing, they come to understand that they're important, but not more important then me and I'm not less important then they are. The two-year-old's needs are just as important as the teenagers' needs. Everyone makes sacrifices at times, but nobody is forced to sacrifice all of the time. The kids understand that no one person is more important then any other. They also understand that the family as a whole is just as important as each individual member within it. We have an amazingly strong family bond as well as each of us having very strong sense of personal worth. I feel that this may be the most important thing I do, balancing the needs of everyone including the family as a whole. Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge ----- About the author: Skye Thomas is the CEO of Tomorrow's Edge, an Internet leader in inspiring leaps of faith. She became a writer in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation, soulmates, and parenting. Her books and articles have inspired people of all ages and faiths to recommit themselves to the pursuit of happiness. After years of high heels and business clothes, she is currently enjoying working from home in her pajamas. To read more of her articles, sign up to receive her free weekly newsletter, and get free previews of her books go to http://www.TomorrowsEdge.net.
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IN THIS SMART EDITION (International Family Day Issue)
Editor’s Scribbles Featured Smart Create Your Dream Family Ad Board Just 2 Smart Family as an Entity Over Coffee Win a FREE classified More Must-Reads
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Issue 0505-11. Copyright 2004-2005 Minute Chaser Ezine. All rights reserved in all countries. |
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Hello to our many new and current fellow Chasers. You’re reading the Smart Edition of Minute Chaser, a special edition providing you the smarts for managing and breezing through your busy life.
. Look out for our regular issue this coming Friday.